so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
