Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
