I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
