What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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