my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
