I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I want to be your penis for a week.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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