i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
