You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
