I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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