her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
