God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
