You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
