Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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