I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
