Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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