It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
