"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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