Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She said her name was "party"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
