how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
