life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
