cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
