I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
All I want is dick and wine.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
