meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I AM VODKA MAN
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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