I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
