When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
