well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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