Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
