I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
