i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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