There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I party with great urgency now.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
