promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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