just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
