Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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