Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
