well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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