life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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