she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
