whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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