at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
