I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm having to shit out rocks
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