The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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