Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
