This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
