my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Randomize
