just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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