I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
