how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
