Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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