you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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