My girlfriend figured out who you are.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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